Expressing Grief

Journaling Junkie's current challenge #78 is to journal about loss, whether its the passing away of someone dear or someone moving away. You need to journal about the impact this has on your life.

Anyone that knows me or has been following my blog for the last few weeks knows that I have been trying to deal with my mum's passing through scrapbooking. I am not an emotional person so have bottled up everything for the last 5 and a half years. My mind goes into shutdown mode whenever anything emotional sensitive crops up and I need to work through this so that I can grieve properly and start leading a happy life. So this challenge for Journaling Junkie really made be work, and I mean work hard to express myself, to explain myself is probably more like it. I am glad for the challenge but it did take me ages to do. As a DT member we were made aware of all upcoming challenges for 2010 at the beginning of the year. I had been thinking about this one since then and had no idea what I was going to do until I had did it. You may remember the other week I did a layout about my mum's last night. Well that was me sitting down trying to journal for this challenge. Obviously it wasnt what the challenge was about but that's what my mind needed me to get out. So it became a separate layout and one I am proud that I have done.

I know that I really havent touched the surface of my emotions but I will get there.

Anyway I hope you like this layout. The quote came from a great book I was reading at the time about a teenage girl who lost her mum in the twin towers called 'Usual Rules'

The journaling says:

"" Sometimes it was a flash flood. Other times it came on like a slow-building rainstorm, the kind that gives you enough warning you might even have time to get inside before the cloud burst. Once it started, though, there was nothing to do but let the sorrow pound you like the most powerful current, the strongest waterfall. When the sorrow hit, small losses came crashing over you in one suffocating torrent." Joyce Maynard 'The Usual Rules'

That is how I imagine grief to be. Moments of utter devastation, of uncontrollable sorrow. But I walk this life like a zombie, just doing what has to be done without thinking or feeling.

It has been 5 1/2 years since mum passed away and I am still numb from it. I havent cried, or got angry. I have got on with life like nothing happened, yet I feel empty inside.

I need to grieve. I need to allow myself to feel the pain of life without her, I need to cry, to scream, I need to feel, to love, to find peace."

In the layout I used a Heidi Swapp mask with chalks and outlined in white pen. I also took the photo during a photography lesson on shutter speed. I used a slow shutter speed to smooth out the water, giving a nice calming effect.

Finally, I created a card from the scraps. I hope you like and dont forget to pop over to Journaling Junkie and give the challenge a go.